Forgive and forget? I think not!

I believe in the “forgive and forget” concept and I love the injustices that this can actually be applied to.  It’s a little mantra that is easy to remember, and offers an abundance of  freedom when this state of healing can be achieved.  But, what about the wrongs that rock you to your core, the ones that rob you of your innocence, permanently disable your ability to trust anyone 100% and wreak havoc on every relationship that follows?

When I was young, I felt like I lived a double life.  I lived with my dad and when I was with him, life was normal, grounded and loving.  It wasn’t perfect, but it was heaven compared to being at my moms.  I thank God everyday that I was blessed enough to spend most of my time in this environment.  Over the years, while visiting my mom, I witnessed and experienced things that no child should ever have to endure and it affects me to this day, much to my dismay.  I watched helplessly as my mom was raped right in front of me.  I remember my first panic attack…   I tried to use the telephone to call for help, but the cord had been ripped from it, and my hands were shaking so bad, I couldn’t get it back in.  I had to tell my mom that I couldn’t call for help as tears streamed down my face.  I believe this was the beginning of my mom’s downward spiral into drugs and her vicious cycle of losers that emotionally and physically abused all of us.  I was also sexually abused by these men or their friends/family on numerous occasions.  I watched as these men tore the people I loved down, day by day, year after year.  I was lucky though, I got to escape to my dad’s.  My mom and my brothers had nowhere to escape too.  My mom wasn’t strong enough to get herself out of these situations and stay out.  She had isolated herself from her friends and family and hung her self-worth on the words and actions of these men.  She had no support system, no self-esteem, and seemingly nowhere to go that offered a better solution or the help she needed to get past this.  I it was my responsibility to fight their fights whenever I was around.  I stuck up for them, I fought back, I got in the way and I was hated.  I forgave and I forgot. 

I got as far away from there as I could and swore that I would never allow anything like this happen to me or my kids.  I had seen both worlds, and I knew which one I wanted for myself and my family.  I thought I knew how to achieve this.  I couldn’t have been more wrong.  Several years later I found myself in almost the exact same place my mom was in all of those years.  A lot of the details were different, but from a high level overview, it was the same.  How did this happen?  I was so strong, so stubborn and so determined to not have “that” life!  In my desire to get as far away from my painful past as possible, I ended up isolating myself from my family, my support system and everything that was good for me.  At first it seemed like a fair trade, but before I knew it I had very low self esteem, I was hanging my self-worth on the opinion of a man and my life was a disaster.  I endured emotional and physical abuse and had sunken so low that I couldn’t see the forest through the trees.  Having a family was so important to me that I wanted to work it out, at all costs.  Eventually I woke up, took a stand and changed my life.  It wasn’t without sacrifice though (more about that later).

That was almost 10 years ago.  I have spent the last 10 years healing.  Learning who I truly am and who I want to be.  Learning to love myself completely and rebuilding my life according to these new insights.  I will be forever changed and affected by the events that have happened in my past, but I will never again let myself be a victim.  In order to ensure this to be true, I have forgiven everyone, including myself.  But I will never forget!  I will never forget the way I felt.  I will never forget what I was robbed of.  I will never forget the sacrifices that had to be made in order to make things right.  I will never forget the lessons I had to learn the hardest ways. 

I have forgiven, but I will never forget.